1. You’re shamed for leaving the couch blanket in a heap on the couch AS IT SHOULD BE instead of neatly folded over the arm. “Don’t you love unfolding a crisply folded blanket?” my fiance asks, and I say, “No I don’t give a shit.”
2. No more eating in bed or in front of the TV. I have never spilled once! Name a time I spilled! Ok OTHER than yesterday.
3. You wake up to the loud rattling of cleaning products every weekend morning. Nothing like the toxic scent of Scrubbing Bubbles to rouse you from your slumber.
4. They don’t want you touching the pillows on the bed. What kind of idiot would put the big pillow in the front of the arrangement? You? Oh, OK stay out of the bedroom with your dumb messy self then.
5. Or really anything they own. What part of “You’re a messy idiot” don’t you understand?
6. You’ve become best friends with your Swiffer. Because it is the easiest way to keep your roommate off your back. You even added 10 minutes to your morning routine for a thorough mopping-up of your hair in the bathroom. You call it your Swiffer date. Sometimes you dip it as though you’re doing a sexy dance together. At least Swiffer loves your messes.
7. If you forget to clean up, you’re inundated with passive-aggressive notes. “Please PLEASE remember to wipe me down before you leave! I attract bugs if I’m not cleaned with bleach!” -Your Loving Countertop
8. And when you do clean, they criticize your cleaning techniques. The thing about paper towels is that they leave streak marks and I don’t give a fuck.
9. You have to change the sheets constantly like CONSTANTLY. After sex? Change the sheets. Woke up a little sweaty this morning? Change the sheets. Had a rough day at work? Change the sheets.
10. You’re forced to go halvsies on an expensive air purifier that you personally totally do not need. I would rather breathe black mold spores day and night than part with $150.
11. If they’re are having company on Saturday, Friday night will be devoted to cleaning. Pro tip: cope by turning your apartment into da club during your cleaning sesh (Beyonce, vodka Red Bulls, and a tequila shot for every task accomplished). Or just spend a reeeaallly long time on one thing.
12. You must leave the place in perfect condition when you leave for vacation, or suffer bitchy texts all weekend. Summary of your 43 unread texts: “u left the place a disaster, pls clean ASAP!!! :-)”
13. Bathroom garbages are PURE DECORATION. You’re not actually allowed to throw anything in there. Wrap that tampon up and take it to the kitchen, missy. This attractive wicker basket will not hold the wrath of your menstrual cycle. Even though it’s RIGHT NEXT TO THE TOILET.
14. It is unacceptable for window shades not to be evenly raised. What kind of message do messy shades send to the neighbors?
15. Guests are always horrified that your eat stuff off the floor. Five second rule? More like the 20 second rule. At the risk of looking like a slovenly bottom-feeder, this one’s actually kind of a pro.
16. Sinks, aka containers for water, cannot stay wet. They must be wiped dry. 1. Water evaporates. 2. This specific receptacle was literally made to be wet. 3. I hate you.
Courtesy: Emma Barker