1. Go to sporting events: Especially when it’s cold and/or rainy out, and you’re just sitting in a stadium trying to flag a hot dog vendor down and freezing your dick off.
2. Adjust their balls in public: Are you just touching it to make sure it’s still there?
3. Make business deals at strip clubs: Tony Soprano? Sure. The rest of you? No. You have offices. Or go to, like, Arby’s. You do not need to expense boobs.
4. Absurd methods of hiding hair loss: That comb-over looks worse than if you just shaved it all off.
5. Give each other dumb-ass nicknames: The silly name your bros gave you might seem fine when you’re all hanging out, but I cannot in good conscience let someone who goes by “J-Dog” inside me.
6. Act like babies when they’re sick: They don’t have to deal with continuing life as usual while suffering mind-numbing cramps, so a cold every six months feels like The End Of The World.
7. Cat-call women: All the way from the caveman era to now, there has never been an instance of successful cat-calling. And yet, it prevails.
8. Pursue a woman intensely and then drop her when they get her: What the shit! Katy Perry even wrote a song about it.
9. Not constantly texting somebody: How are you and your best friends not having hilarious, nuanced conversations over chat for 24 hours a day? How can you only use text messaging for things like “on my way” or “running late see u soon?!” I don’t understand.
10. Drinking from kegs: Drinking Jaegerbombs. And conscious, competitive binge drinking, in general. When girls do it, it’s more like “Let’s have a glass of wine during House Hunters! Oh wait, we finished a bottle. Oh wait, we finished two bottles.”
11. Not “getting” some of their girlfriends’ friends: And it’s always her favorite friends.
12. Not talking to their parents as much as we do: Is the weird, awkward way grown men interact with their parents the way they interact with their parents even when their girlfriends are NOT present? How can they not be BFF with their mom like I am?
13. Their motorcycle/gun obsessions: Yuck.
14. How they idolize Bruce Willis: I feel nothing. Guys feel EVVVVERYTHING, because Die Hard is their Dirty Dancing.
15. How they’re all obsessed with Jennifer Love Hewitt: Because they remember her status as Alpha Hotness from their adolescent days, circa Can’t Hardly Wait. We know her as that handjob-hawking lame-o on The Client List.
16. Wearing briefs: Because they are basically binding your junk to your body. When boxer briefs are available, not to mention way sexier, why not wear them?
17. Not being cold when you’re freezing: I wonder how many couples have wound up separating over a fight that started as the woman being cold and requesting the thermostat be turned up.
18. Wanting to skip foreplay: It’s the best part. Or at least gives the other part a run for its money.
19. Watching football for hours: Days, if it’s one of those big football things that goes on for days. What’s that called? The Megacup? The Uberdish? Oh right, the Superbowl.
20. Not caring how they look when they go to nice things: We’re going to a party! Half the fun (for us) is getting ready. It’s often more fun than the party itself, sadly.
21. “Dancing.” Awkwardly swaying and rubbing your boner on a woman’s back/butt is not dancing.