1. AGE 6 – 10
Every grown-up stops me and my mom on the street and tells me I look just like Shirley Temple! Let me go roll around in the dirt and not think that much about it.
No, I’m not part Hispanic.
2. AGE 11
Jenna, your hair is so fun and easy to braid! You look like a mermaid! OK, now do me. Sure, you can brush it out to remove the tangles! Annnnnd I look like I just stuck my head in a light socket and everyone at the slumber party is laughing “with” me.
No, I’m not Italian.
3. AGE 12 – 13
Mom, I need some kids’ detangling spray. Don’t look at me. YOU GAVE ME THIS CURSE.
No, I’m not Jewish.
4. AGE 14
Maybe I should try sleeping with it in a braid after I get out of the shower and then it’ll turn into flat-on-the-top princess waves. …Nope, just looks greasy and frizzy now. Great. Let me slather John Frieda Frizz Ease serum all over my head because every issue of Seventeen told me to. I just want to be like everyone else. Why can’t I use a hairtie without snapping it in half?!
No, I’m not a gypsy.
5. AGE 15 – 16
I need something with more hold. Let me try L.A. Looks! I’m sure that won’t make my hair look like an overgelled ‘80s rock star with the consistency of Pringles. This is why guys don’t like me, I’m sure of it. I mean, I have boobs now and everything, so there’s no other reason it could possibly be. *listens to Drowning Pool*
No, I am not the child of a human woman and a Brillo pad.
6. AGE 17
Last night Emily Pacheco straightened my hair with her Hot Tools flat-iron. I AM REBORN. I want it to stay like this forever. It moves in the wind. It’s soft when I touch it. I feel like a different person and I like her way better.
7. AGE 18
I am putting every CENT I make as a cashier at Charlotte Russe towards getting that expensive Chi flat iron that all the girls in my dorm have. Every second that my hair is curly and not straight is another second that I feel hideous. I must release the hot straight-haired girl within or I shall die.
Also if I wear glasses I HAVE to have my hair straight or else I’ll look like I am in 7th grade again.
8. AGE 19 – 21
I feel sooooo hot at parties with my flat-ironed hair. I am officially the Hottest Version Of Myself, and there has been an approximately 60 percent increase in sexual attention. Because I keep a flow chart.
Sure, everyone says I should be careful using hot tools on it so often, and yeah, I’m starting to see some split ends, and the front is kinda breaking off, but whatever, I’m sooooo hottttttt!
9. AGE 22 – 23
Oh my God, I have ruined my hair by straightening it myself every day. It’s so scraggly on the ends, I’m like the mayor of Scraggle Rock. What should I DO?! I can’t straighten it anymore because I don’t want to damage it. I’m just going to obsess about it and talk about it drunk at parties to every single girl I meet.
10. AGE 24 – 25
Wow, this is the first time I’ve gotten a curly cut that I’ve actually liked. And they gave me some damage control products. It looks… not awful. I don’t even have the urge to straighten it today.
11. AGE 26 – 28
People keep complimenting me on my hair. I can’t believe I damaged it so much before by severely straightening it all the time. It didn’t even look that good — I look back at old Facebook pictures and it looks so fried. Now it’s all shiny and healthy because all I do is get the occasional heat-protected blowout now and then.
12. AGE 29 – 30
I woke up like this.